Yes, it may cross your mind when you have a problem that not being alive would remove you from that problem. However, you would never advise a friend to try to solve a problem using this approach, so why not keep in mind very clearly what you would tell a friend. Indeed, just think what you would want a good friend of yours to do, if he or she had a sudden horrible problem. You would want your friend to contact you, visit you, talk to you, stay with you, and perhaps bring you to see a professional or a doctor. All of these steps help to control how bad you feel when there is a problem, or when something horrible has happened. And persisting with contact with friends and professionals will allow the pain to pass.
Also, going to sleep when you feel desperate will take you out of the situation, and natural healing mechanisms in your brain during sleep will give you more strength and more ways of solving the problem. Life changes continuously, and people and situations that seem major at one time will quickly seem quite irrelevant down the track. Do not let one bad phase in your life, or one bad situation, destroy the future you have, with the likelihood there will be lots of very good times as you go through the rest of your life.
Improving your Relationship
IMPROVING YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR PARTNER
A good relationship, in which you can talk to your partner about anything and everything is THE MOST IMPORTANT PROTECTION AGAINST DEVELOPING DEPRESSION at times of stress. On the other hand, difficulties in the relationship between two people is one of the most common causes of depression. The following outline is a simple but very effective way of improving relationships between two people.
When two people first meet, they rapidly start spending a lot of time alone together, talking when they are alone and throwing in some friendly physical contact! In contrast, when they have been living together for some time, and without any conscious awareness of the damage that is taking place, a couple often find themselves doing much less of these activities, which are vital in the bonding of human relationships. It often happens the two partners find themselves very busy, and when they are sitting in a room together, they often find themselves watching TV. When they socialise, they often make a point of catching up on friends at the same time, so that they almost never socialise just the two of them alone. Although both parties see themselves as working hard for the joint benefit of the relationship and perhaps of the family, they are often unaware of the fact that they are not maintaining the bonding of their relationship, leading them to become more irritable and negative towards each other.
TRICKS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP
1. TALK TO EACH OTHER FOR 20 MINUTES A DAY! The one thing we are all short of in life is time. Deliberately spending regular time to talk with one other person only is objective proof of care for that person.
It is therefore very useful to make sure that each evening the two of you sit down together, with the TV turned off, no newspapers available, and the children not around. Younger children may be in bed and older children can be told not to interrupt private adult time, a good example for them for future years as to how to run a relationship. It does not matter what is discussed, as long as arguments are avoided.
2. THE RIGHT OF VETO. To prevent these 20 to 30 minute sessions, perhaps with a cup of coffee or a drink, turning into arguments, each party has the right of veto, so that potentially explosive subjects can be dropped before they escalate into an argument. To prevent deadly silence after the veto has been used, the person who vetoes one subject has to raise the next topic of conversation. It needs to be emphasized that the use of a veto is a constructive approach, designed to ensure that the time together is a positive rather than negative experience.
3. GO OUT ALONE TOGETHER ONCE PER WEEK. Having a nice time outside the house socially is very important. However, if this only happens in the company of other people, it takes away from the reminder that you and your partner can have a nice time together, just in each other’s company. This is an essential component of enjoying the relationship with your partner. When you were dating each other, you did not bring half a dozen friends with you every time you saw each other!
4. MAKE DEALS. As time passes, we are all tempted to become less patient with the habits of our partners, and indeed they may well develop new habits as the years go by. Sometimes, it is very useful to make a list in private of particular types of behaviour that you would like your partner to change, and ask your partner to make the same list. Once a week, or less often, you can then perhaps make a deal about doing something differently, in return for your partner also doing something differently. Both people really trying to change bits of behaviour that annoy the other, or are frequent flashpoints for arguments, again confirm that you care about each other, and want a good relationship.
5. THE PACKAGE DEAL CONCEPT. Apart from you and I, nobody is perfect! We all have positives and negatives, and it is easy to take the positives of your partner for granted, and become preoccupied with the negatives. If you know you would miss your partner if he or she died suddenly, then you obviously are glad you have the package. Of course it would be wonderful if various other extras could be added, but if they are not perfect, then you do not have to aim to be perfect either!
ALL NORMAL RELATIONSHIPS HAVE GOOD AND BAD PHASES. BE TOLERANT !!
. Dealing with conflict
Conflict is a major source of stress in the life of many people. It is important to be calmly confident if possible, when facing a conflict situation. It is also very useful to KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN when in a conflict situation, thus automatically pressurising the other person to do the same.
Learning off certain suitable phrases, in the hope that they will come to mind when facing a conflict situation, can also be very useful, phrases which indicate you are willing to be reasonable, but wish to postpone the matter which is making the other person angry.
Useful phrases include:
1) “Let me think about it” in response to being asked or told to do something by somebody else, which you regard as unreasonable. This gives you a few moments to think without being pressurised to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on the spot.
2) “I see your point of view and I will think about it; do you see my point?” This can be a useful technique when someone clearly is adamant they are right about something, and are trying to get you to submit and agree.
3) “Let’s drop the subject for the moment” and “let’s agree to differ” are phrases obviously designed to allow both parties to calmly back away from an unresolved conflict situation, particularly one which seems to be progressively escalating.